Shrouded Agony

DSC_0881.JPGChristmas vacation is one of the best thing in my Life. I look forward to visiting home again soon. For me, there is a mixed feeling of being happy and down at the same time. Honestly, I don’t even know how to write and I don’t even know where to start… but nevermind. I have a sister who is mentally ill. Sometimes I feel that having a sister with mental ill is something that is so embarrassing, something to be ashamed of, when it isn’t at all. I don’t know what went wrong in her life… Love life somewhat made her frail and she had never overcome heart break which causes serious depression till she lost her mind and entirely gave up reality. I know my parents suffered a lot for my ill sister. There are precious memories bumping in and sometimes I just can’t help it but cry … my eldest sister used to be a clever and a beautiful person that i’d known. There are things I learned from my sister. When we were young, she took care of us and our other younger siblings. I still remember, she had taught me to wore nice clothes and read books as well cooking and sewing. She was like a mother to me. I love and miss listening to all of her stories. When she got sick, I was there and I’d always support her, I’ve been there by her side to simply just listen to her. I was the only one who has been patience to all of her capriciousness. But then growing up wasn’t that simple, I needed to have my own life which leads to our separation. I went to abroad to work and settling down wasn’t on my planned but hail Mary, full of grace, I’ve got settled. It’s been years has gone by I accepted that she is not the person that I used to know. She has her own world now and it’s heartbreaking to see her condition. But I always thank GOD despite her illness, she’s still able to recognize each of us, she even knows when our birthdays are … my mother took care of her after a long year of spending her life in the hospital. There are times that she acts normal but most of the time and days she is just another person. There is not a day that goes by that i don’t think of her. she’s always on my mind and she won’t leave me … I know it’s just my brain … and it’s just hard to deal life when you know one part of your life is gone forever… I am still grateful that somehow I can communicate and I still get to talk to her. Everytime I visit home, she would always love to request her favourite food and other things… we would sit around the table and eat, drink together, have our coffee time , eat our favourite junk food … we would listen to music. We would have our normal conversation, she would always talk about her past and things that actually never happened nor existed. Then hours later, without any given moment she will laugh and then there she goes … another person…. I can’t believe that she gave up her life, she gave up Reality… I have many rhetorical questions in my mind… and I just live with it… I never say goodbye to her because it’s the hardest part … Saying goodbye to anyone is always the hardest thing to do … and sometimes it’s more than tough to ditch thinking about her future. As we all know that Future is unpredictable. And yes undeniable, it is a tearful thing which in fact made me strong and I have learned to keep going when facing a problem.


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